As I walked out of the Rehab center after the quickest 2.5 hours ever with my Hospice Friend the sky stopped me in awe.  I stood there for a few moments, staring up, giving thanks, tears streaming down my soft fleshy cheeks, as life is so beautiful, and so precious, and so seemingly fleeting.  I have not experienced any of my previous hospice friends in the last three years die due to cancer at such a young age (this friend is 62).  It is a way different experience.  Even from my first hospice friend who was bedridden and could only move her left hand…. with this friend, I see the changes for the first time… as I walked in to room 11 at 4:30pm on Sunday, April 3rd and see him huddled on his bed clutching his legs in pain, until a nurse came in to give him an injection of medicine.  Within 15 minutes, the pain was ‘dialed down’ and we were headed outside to share a smoke break:  I bring the lighter, he brings the cigarettes 🙂

He is interestingly enough, a karma card of mine, if you know anything about Destiny Cards, I am a Queen of Clubs and my two Karma cards in this life are the 10 Diamonds (they owe something to me, I reflect them in some way) and the 3 of hearts (I owe something to them, they reflect me in some way)… and  he is a 10 of diamonds.  The instant soul-connection was apparent to me the first time I stepped in to his room on February 28th.

It is an interesting experience, to walk in to the last phase of a person’s life after not ever meeting them or knowing anything about them.  All conversation is diluted with the unstated knowledge that I am only here because this person is consciously dying, unconsciously choosing to die.  I really do feel like an angel of death… coming to comfort them and create a space for them to pass with love.  In fact, I whispered to his heart before I left:

“Nothing will get lost, you will not have to leave anything behind…. except the illusion of separateness.”

This is a very sacred space for me to enter in to their lives and hold for them.  Yes, it is challenging at times, I do cry still as I walk outside after a visit, I do wait on edge for the email/text/call from my director to let me know they have left this physical plane.. but I do KNOW, I do believe, in turn, after they re-emerge with All That Is, they cradle me ☯ I do believe that they return to the non-physical and they leave behind only their bodies and this dense physical reality and any low vibrations but we retain our individualness, our memories, our intentions, our love, our relationships… I know when I call upon them, they are instantly with me, holding me, pouring their cosmic love all over my physical being… helping me, leaving clues, leaving hearts on my running path, or fortune cookies on my walk, or the numbers ‘128’ every time I look at the clock….

The more you give, the more you receive. The line between life and death is soooooo very very fine, almost non-existent 😀  It feels a bit strange for me to say this, but it’s almost as if my whole ‘life’ is preparing me for the moment of my death.  I am facing it now, I am confronting my thoughts and beliefs about life and death now, SO THAT, when I do die, I will die consciously, fully aware, and hoping by that time, with love, gentle understanding, a readiness, and an enthusiasm for: all that I did, and all that I saw, and all the good I brought in to this world with my words and my thoughts and my actions and my love and my children… Yes, there will be a readiness, an excitement even, to let the body go and return back to non-physical that is our True Source, knowing all I have given and all I have gained, will be right there with me.  Ah… those words I spoke were not for him… they were for me.

Oh, it’s a beautiful Universe indeed…
How do I know this is true?
By looking inside myself.
#DeeperInFurtherOut