I have been participating in the book, “The Presence Process” by Michael Brown and it has been a wonderful journey full of feeling, integrating, crying, meditation, and affirmation.. consciously choosing to show up in life rather than react.

I always start the next week’s chapter on a Monday so yesterday I read the chapter for week 7… the mantra for this week is, “I am safe” typically I meditate for 15 minutes in the morning and sometimes 15 minutes at night repeating the phrase “I am here now in this” one word/long breathe in or out… sometimes I tend to skip the night mostly because, and this is kind of embarrassing, I am afraid of the dark and night time.  For some reason it feels like there is some negative vibe whenever the sun goes down and especially moreso at night.  I think this is because my eyesight fails me in a sense at night (what is normally a very vibrant world of definte shape and structure becomes a grey/black blur)… so I usually don’t like closing my eyes to meditate… tonight I did. lights on, candles lit, meditation music in the background, and an opening prayer to the saints of SRF and to saints of all religions. I felt pretty safe.

Then I started to not feel safe, I started to imagine someone breaking in to my house and stealing or killing me, I started to imagine dark energies coming in to my body and messin’ around with me, I imagined something or someone slitting my throat (I know it’s intense but that is literally what I was imagining).  Tonight, instead of fighting these feelings or trying to shift them to something of light, I heard a voice say, “let them come up, let the feeling come up” …. I let the terror, fear, anxiety arise, I felt it fully and asked why I felt that way… the answer came back, something along the lines of, death is so uncertain I just never know when the time will be (which is true and consciously I say I am okay with that) but what is really there is HECK NO. I am scared to death of death!  I am guarded, I am on edge all the time.  I cannot be alone with myself in my room at night to meditate because I am scared.  Once I saw this, once I felt how my body is always guarded, my mind always afraid … my energy shifted.  I got myself (I recreated myself)… I let it be…. I let it go?  and I sat there for 30 minutes with my eyes shut on a cold rainy night.

I am safe.

12/30/14 Meditation